1. |
Figures
03:46
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I thought I hated myself but now more so everyone else
Cause my father figured his lies would get him through
The damage he swears no connection to
And so my father figure taught me a few things
When he saved me in the tenth grade
But all along was trying to fuck girls less than half his age
And there's two sides to the story or so I'm told
Mine reads fuck yourselves leave me alone
I thought I handled it well leaving it on the shelf
Just like my sister figured it better to do nothing
Rather than hope we'd be accepting
And like my mother figured silence was golden
Protecting us from all she was withholding
But that's not dealing with it, it's called avoidance
I'm taking this off the shelf to exploit it
I thought about walking out, but I've got more stories to tell
I bet you probably figured I'd be happy by now
Sorry here's one more sad song, Let's cry it out
And yeah I really figured I would have grown up
Left the band, picked a major, become an adult
But I got nothing figured out, doubt I ever will
So I may as well use up all this time to kill
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2. |
Bengal Spice
03:32
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Unconditional love was the house you swore you built for us
But a claim means nothing without trust
Now I've got my crutch, and you've got your delusions
And I'm starting to think this relationship might be worth losing
Since you treated those wounds with a thick layer of dust
So Pop I'll call if I need a kidney
But till then you should just forget me
Cause I want nothing to do
With a man who treats his family the way you do
And I know the blood is thicker
But at least my water always delivers
You'd yell and hold your grudge
If I was older I might have taken a punch
Despite what you thought we were no Brady bunch
But now you're underwater
and we're finally improving
Funny how it happened once you finally got around to moving
So I'll close out these wounds after cleaning out the dust
So Pop I'll call if I need a kidney
But till then you should just forget me
Cause I want nothing to do
With a man who treats his family the way you do
And I know the blood is thicker
But at least my water always delivers
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3. |
Like Sheep
04:52
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I can't comprehend your sins
Or how I could have let you in
On my doubts and my insecurities
The faults at the core of my being
Behind bars you're all alone
Left you're family to fend for their own
I replaced my father with a vagabond
Now the bastard is me
You made your bed prepping for others
Taking liberties with your so called daughters
There was a time when you were just like my father
Now you've got me sitting here downing another
A flock of sheep lead by a wolf
Who all adhered to the perjury you sold
And If one thing you said was true
You need saving same as we do
You made your bed prepping for others
Taking liberties with your so called daughters
There was a time when you were just like my father
Now you've got me sitting here downing another
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4. |
Haddonfield, Illinois
04:38
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My daily 9-5 is finding faults inside myself and fixing them with someone else
In prayer I sought to find someone that would make me well, this last vestige of myself
But I kept ripping sutures from my wounds, exhuming pain better left tombed, and smothering what good had begun to bloom
All I wanted was just to love, but love is giving wholly of yourself, and emptiness doesn't suit that well
Hey Courtney, won't you love me?
Cause I want everything of which I'm not deserving
My nightly 5-9 is taking the filth inside myself and casting it on someone else
When this noxious heart so vile gets it's sights set wrong for a while, I marinate in the muck and mire
In my tainted detestable state I'll take these wicked hands, and lay my love to waste
But are they my fault, the faults of my heart?
Am I the problem or just the sum of shitty parts?
Hey Ashely, how the fuck could you love me?
Cause I'll push away anything that gets too invested in me
(In general, goodnight...)
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5. |
Balancing Act
04:03
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Complaints, complaints
Are all I have left to convey
Exaggeration and infatuation
Are all I write about these days
So What does that say?
What has this solved?
What have I exercised?
Aside from my own right to whine?
I am sorry I have not been the person
That my loved ones are deserving of
I've tried, I've tried
Oh God, I've tried
But I'm not getting it right
Change my ways, Change my ways
I've got to rethink some things
Set it straight, set it straight
I have to change my thought processes
What has this solved?
What have I exercised?
Aside from my own right to whine?
I am sorry I have not been the person
That my loved ones are deserving of
I've tried, I've tried
Oh God, I've tried
But I'm not getting it right
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6. |
Eli
04:18
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I wonder what you'd think if you saw me right now?
Falling on the floor, swapping between feeling everything at once
And nothing at all
Cause my rug's been pulled out stirring up a cloud of doubt
Surrounding every aspect of my life
Who do I wanna be?
Do I believe in anything?
Will I ever get to sleep?
But there's no furniture in this goddamn house
So I walk aimlessly around my white suburban town
Once upon a time I swore that I would burn it down
Truth be told there was no reasoning then or now
And in the quite darkness of 3A.M.
I fear the buzzing street lamps are my only companion
These house are hunkered spiders.
Their windows are preying wolves,
Eyes like the blue glow of TV screens.
Jack o'lanterns mouths ready for my ribs.
This night
Is the bend of my back
On cement
The purple water in my lungs
The ocean crash of coming cars
These orange-lit trees.
I am the racket of rain on glass
a half moon hidden in clouds.
This time I mean it when I say I'm getting better
Bren says serotonin and friends who withstand harsher weather
Could help me along
And I should probably stop writing songs
About this glass perpetually half empty
Or how your new boyfriend fills me with envy
So I could see that not everything is going wrong
Did I ever write that song?
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7. |
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I'm done ripping my throat open
Just to convey emotion
And I'm through with all those pseudo love songs I wrote to
Girls I never truly knew
I'm still intact
Yes there were knives in my back
But a whole year after the fact
I'm the one still picking scabs
If everyone else has forgotten
then why do I still bring it up?
Cause while everyone else is moving forward
I chose to remain stuck
So I'll bow my head
and close my eyes
cause it would be a lie
To say I don't wake up some nights wishing I'd died
Started taking steps
Started taking their pills
But they were just relief
They didn't heal
That SSRI pulled me above the rising tide
Drug my head above the waves so I could breath in the summer sky
My head may be above water
But I'm still far from shore
These pills can't sail me to coast line
They're far too small for oars
So I'll bow my head
and close my eyes
cause it would be a lie
To say I don't wake up some nights wishing I'd died
And it's a process putting one foot in front of the other
And taking these pills with a glass of water
And it's a process forgiving the sins of others
And learning to recover on your own
We're moving forward to betterment
We're moving on to become better men
So I'll bow my head
And realize
That it would be a lie
To say that I was done living my life
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8. |
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Today I'm guilty. Negative thoughts I've got a few
About the people I'd once been close to
And in the silence of a passive aggressive rage I stew
Till my head heats like a furnace and without end my hatred grew
I can't keep burning on this fossil fuel hate
Till the smoke fills my lungs and tar clouds my veins
And I can't rely on a future driven off pain
Turning bridges to dust for the sake of never moving on
Since they'd done their damage it's been a long time
Through months of sleepless nights
I never thought to let them leave my mind
The past had be in a choke hold
But I never thought to fight against it's bind
I can't keep burning on this fossil fuel hate
Till the smoke fills my lungs and tar clouds my veins
And I can't rely on a future driven off pain
Turning bridges to dust for the sake of never moving on
You walked out ages ago
Last seen leaving my front porch
I couldn't help but turn the key and lock the door
In the year since I've seen the sun
My skin turned pale like porcelain
You put the knife in my back
what am I twisting it for?
I can't keep burning on this fossil fuel hate
Till the smoke fills my lungs and tar clouds my veins
And I can't rely on a future driven off pain
Turning bridges to dust for the sake of never moving on
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9. |
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I'll be fine
I will be free
I am Ridding myself of this disease
And the stagnance to which it binds me
I will be mine
I will live for me
I will loose the grip
of this crippling anxiety
Someday I'll make it to my funeral pyre
My soul ascending above the ashes and the fire
But I'm not there yet
I'm staying the hell away from it
It's time I made my bed
Pulled the covers to my neck
And gave these weary eyes a rest
Cause they've grown bloodshot
From the haze I drifted into and forgot
Why I was even there
And even if it doesn't mean anything to anyone
That don't mean it doesn't mean anything at all
Cause my heart burst over these songs
And goddamn they'll be sung
Cause I am learning to love this world
As much as I used to hate myself
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